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What I Long for…




It’s been a long year… 2019 has by far been one of the most transformational years of my life. So many things are coming up for me that are both exciting but that are also scaring the sh** out of me.


I am trying to trust myself more, give myself grace and advocate for those that just aren’t ready yet or feel like they don’t know where to start with doing the same for themselves. I have experienced a tremendous amount of growth and change but as much as I’ve grown, I am still holding myself back…


I have to walk before I can run and trust the process.


I wrote this blog on Mother’s day but I never posted it because I thought it was too deep or too much.


The more I am learning the more I am realizing that I’ve been given many tests throughout my short life that God wants me to use for my testimony.. so here I am.


As we are heading into the Holiday season, it brings up so many of the same emotions I felt on Mother’s day.


I am different but so many things around me are remaining unchanged. I often ask myself, ‘How do I continue to bloom (grow) when my roots (my external circumstances) remain unchanged?’


It’s not as simple as it may seem. I think I hold on to HOPE AND LOVE above all else to get me through.


Speaking of this blog I wrote on Mother’s Day, I hope during this holiday season we can just love on one another, share in the joy and keep hope for the hopeless. I don’t know what this season holds but I know that I will hold space for those struggling.


The letter I wrote for my dear mom on Mother’s Day:


To my mom on Mother’s Day

To my mom in May during Mental Health Awareness month

To my mom with multiple personalities

To my mom with bipolar disorder

To my mom with addiction 

To my mom with deep sadness

But most of all- 

To my mom, you know the one I truly hold close to my heart, the one I listened to her heartbeat as I lay in her belly for 9 months…


I long for you mom today on Mother’s Day and every day …. 


From the time I can remember, you were the definition of ‘mom.’ You cooked all the homemade meals, cleaned like a mad woman, loved your children unconditionally and created a bond that was unbeatable (with unlimited back rubs).


You were the person I called when I had a belly ache, the woman I cried for when I was hurt and the woman I always so desperately hoped I could have a forever long mother daughter relationship with. 


It breaks my heart to know that as much as I want it, you have a disease that fights the very thing I long for.


When you got out of recovery, it was a glimpse into the mom I’ve been so desperately waiting for, holding out for and longing for. I couldn’t wait for the mother daughter dates that I never got to experience maybe even some mani/pedi trips, a date to the movie or just some time alone with no drama or games. 


That’s what I received for a month. That month was the best month I’ve ever had with you. The first time in my teenage and adult years we’ve been able to get along and spend quality time together because I knew you were making good decisions. 


I’m not sure what the next day, week, month or even year brings for you or our relationship, all I know is I long for you mom. Not the mom with the mental illness, not the mom with the addiction but the mom I will always know- the one who rubs my back, cooks the best food, loves deeply and has the most giving heart of anyone I know… that mom. 


It has been really hard growing up with what feels like two moms. The caring, loving, lighthearted mom and the angry, confused, and lost mom. 


I long for you today on Mother’s Day. I honor you this month during mental health awareness month.  Mom, I know it’s not all your fault. The things you’ve been through, the disease you have and the cards you have been dealt… I do know one thing though and that’s that you have to be the one to move yourself forward because I’ve fallen too deep behind trying to catch you.


I long for a day I can lay next to you and kiss your forehead. 


Until then, it’s not what I want but I have to move forward with my life.


I choose not to look behind but only forward. If I could have a genie grant me one wish, I would wish you would realize that too. Forward always.

I love you, mom! I long for you.

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For anyone struggling with a friend or family member with mental illness or addiction, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Reach out, stand up and ask for support.

I spent too many days isolated – I don’t want you to spend one more day in that space.

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